It can feel fraught and even frightening. You’ve been hurt before and the memory of that pain may be influencing you now, making you feel desperate to get things ‘right’ this time. The trouble is that desperation may also make you more inclined to rush. When you rush you’ll be more demanding, less discerning and far more likely to be missing that person who is perfect for you.
Slow down! Snap decisions are laden with unrealistic expectations – they are the banana skins of the dating world. The movie version of true love, where the first person you meet is perfect, is a myth. Good relationships take time to build – you have to share the same rhythm before anything will start to work. At the beginning you are likely to be treading on each other’s toes, making mistakes – faux pas literally means false steps…… BUT, you can choose to learn from those indiscretions, gently moderate how you engage and thereby improve the flow, becoming synchronised without losing your individuality. This compromise is fundamental to how we connect: true love doesn’t come ready packaged. It’s about adjustment too: the next time your date’s shirt doesn’t quite meet your high standards, don’t dismiss him or her – it’s just a shirt and the lovely thing about shirts is that when we change them, there’s a difference.
Reframing the challenge you’re facing can really help. Being optimistic about the adventure to come and anticipating success, rather than dreading it or expecting it to fail, is much more likely to end in happiness.
Making an effort makes a difference. Ask yourself if you would like to meet YOU. Are you relaxed, are you interesting? Do you smile, are you tolerant of other people? If you’ve answered yes, then you are probably ready to find new love now. If not, trying lots of new things will not only broaden your experience, but will also allow you to practice talking to strangers with ease and will increase your allure. This really works – daters are far more likely to be drawn to those who have rich lives, are easy to talk to and fun, as they seem more open and intelligent.
Ditch the formula. Treat however you have defined your ‘type’ in the past as history and take a look in any direction you have not considered before. This is about you now and it’s time for change…..
Karen X
